CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR
EXT. CAMPUS COMMON GROUNDS CHRISTIANA IN A QUIET EXTERIOR LOCATION
CHRISTIANA
When we arrive on campus, most of us are looking for more than an
education. We're looking for freedom, friends and maybe some romance.
But think of this - just 15% of us meet our spouses in college. The
average age at which people marry has risen consistently over the past
several decades. And more students are interested in casual dating,
which means there are fewer serious relationships. In terms of your
safety, this means that there are times when you may need to avoid or
remove yourself from a dangerous relationship.
B-ROLL MALE AND FEMALE STUDENTS MINGLING, WALKING, FLIRTING.
DR. JOHN BURI (V.O.)
One of the things that college students should do is probably date in
groups...if a, a relationship becomes too exclusive and the only time
you get social is when you're with just this one person, that's normally
not a good indication. College is a wonderful opportunity to meet a lot
of men, to meet a lot of women and to develop a broad range of
relationships.
INT. OFFICE ON CAMERA - ADD NAME TITLE 'DR. JOHN R. BURI, psychology professor, university of
st. thomas'
DR. JOHN BURI
I've seen a lot more students than I would ever want to admit, get in
controlling relationships and a lot of times, it's because they really
have a very deep desire to be loved and in the process of wanting that
love so badly, they put up with a lot of bad behavior from the other
individual.
EXT. CAMPUS COMMON GROUNDS. MALE/FEMALE STUDENT INTERACTIONS WHICH ARE
'NEUTRAL' AND COULD BE EITHER INNOCENT OR VERBALLY ABUSIVE
DR. JOHN BURI
When we start talking about controlling behavior, it can really take a
variety of forms and it can sometimes even be very subtle, but the
bottom line is always the same. This person wants to control you. They
want to make you dependent upon them, dependent upon their approval,
dependent upon their acceptance. They want to ultimately take away your
individuality.
COUPLES INTERACTING - B-ROLL OF STUDENTS TOGETHER ADD RED FLAG WITH GRAPHIC TITLE 'QUICK ATTACHMENT'
DR. JOHN BURI (V.O.) (CONT'D)
...there's some little indications, what we might call red flags that
could signal that this person is a controlling individual. One of the
big ones is do they get attached too quickly?
ADD RED FLAG WITH GRAPHIC TITLE 'JEALOUSY'
DR. JOHN BURI (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Possessiveness, jealousy, it's a very big red flag and it's probably one
of the ones that is the most difficult to recognize, because of the
fact that possessiveness masquerades as love.
DR. BURI ON CAMERA. DR. JOHN BURI (CONT'D)
...and with that, is this alluring, it's very attractive because you do
feel wanted. You feel loved. But what's really going on is control,
rather than love.
ADD RED FLAG WITH GRAPHIC TITLE 'BLAME'
DR. JOHN BURI (V.O.) (CONT'D)
The blame game is one of those that's really difficult to pickup, but I
encourage people to be really sensitive to this one, because early in a
relationship, a controlling individual typically won't blame you, but
listen to how they blame others...the law of blame is that in the end,
the blame always falls on those people that are closest to the blamer.
So if you hear someone blaming a lot, eventually it will fall on you.
ADD RED FLAG WITH GRAPHIC TITLE 'HOT AND COLD BEHAVIOR'
DR. JOHN BURI (V.O.) (CONT'D)
And if you find that you're with someone whose moods fluctuate that
quickly, that's often an indication that this is a controlling
individual and if you find yourself trying to get this person to have
more positive moods, be more pleasant more often, but with very little
success, normally not a good sign in the relationship.
DR. JOHN BURI (CONT'D)
Controlling individuals can be men, sometimes they're women and one of
the things that you want to think about is what would my family, what
would my friends tell me, if I trusted them and asked them, am I
different? Will they tell me things like you know I do see changes in
you? You used to be so lighthearted, so fun loving and you now seem so
serious, worried, ever since you've been dating this person.
COUPLES INTERACTING POSITIVELY
DR. JOHN BURI (V.O.) (CONT'D)
In a healthy relationship, you actually do change, but you change for
the better. In unhealthy relationships, the change normally pulls us
down. It makes us less of the person that we used to be. So ask family,
ask friends.
CHRISTIANA ON CAMERA - EXTERIOR QUIET LOCATION
CHRISTIANA
Why does someone stay with someone who is rude, controlling, demeaning? Good question.
COUPLE ARGUING QUIETLY View of a couple seen arguing quietly. The body
language of the _male arguing student_ reads threatening and the body
language of the _female arguing student_ reads frightened. We do not
hear what they are saying.
DR. JOHN BURI (V.O.)
The individual that's being controlled will begin to wonder. They wonder
what is this person's reaction going to be? If I say what I really want
to do Friday night, how are they going to respond? The early warning
signs, is there intimidation going on? Is the person belittling?
Does the person use humiliation? Basically, in a relationship, you
deserve to be respected...they're going to make you feel bad or they're
going to make you feel guilty, simply because of what you want to do,
simply because of the way that you think and sometimes it's pretty
subtle.
ANGLE ON THE ARGUING COUPLE
ARGUING MAN
Yeah, I miss you when you go home, and you never spend any time with me Lou.
ARGUING WOMAN
What are you talking about, we're spending time right now?
ARGUING MAN
No! This doesn't count, you're going to class in ten minutes, and if
you're leaving, I'm not going to see you again 'til Monday. You never
spend any time with me.
ARGUING WOMAN
Well I just, I want to see my mom. (Couple continues to argue under voice over.)
DR. JOHN BURI (V.O.)
Controlling person will often use conditions. They'll put conditions on you. They'll put conditions on the relationship.
ANGLE ON THE ARGUING COUPLE
ARGUING MAN
...if you loved me Lou, you would stay here this weekend, instead of going home to see your Mom.
DR. JOHN BURI (V.O.)
...and the message is I'm not going to be disappointed that I can't go
with you, the message is I'm going to be disappointed in you. A more
subtle way is kind of playing a helpless card and in this situation, the
person basically conveys the message that if you love me, then you're
going to do this...with me and if you don't, I can't make it; without
you I'm nothing.
ARGUING COUPLE
DR. JOHN BURI (V.O.) (CONT'D)
...they want to control who you are, where you go, who you go there with
and essentially who you're becoming. They want to change you.
Most of the time, controlling behavior is coming out of basic
insecurity. Sometimes it comes out of fear. It might be fear of not
being loved. Fear of losing control or it might be fear of basic trust
in another individual.
ARGUING COUPLE - FEMALE LEAVES At the end of the discussion, the female
leaves the male and walks away. He is angry but does not follow her.
DR. JOHN BURI (V.O.) (CONT'D)
If you want to get out of a relationship, the first thing you do is you
set boundaries. You set limits. You have to let the person know I will
not, I cannot be talked to like a child. I cannot be intimidated. You
will not guilt me, shame me or treat me poorly.
DR. JOHN BURI (V.O.) (CONT'D)
In our mind, we have to set the idea that I deserve respect...what you
have to do is make a decision, make it clear, be decisive, without a
doubt make the decision that you're going to leave and if you do, don't
waffle, don't waiver, because as soon as you waiver, on a decision to
leave a controlling relationship, that only fuels the fire.
ANGLE ON THE Female
ARGUING WOMAN
Me, you, this thing is not gonna work out. We're, we need to break up. I'm breaking up with you. Please don't call me...
ANGLE ON THE EX COUPLE ARGUING, FEMALE IS ANIMATED
DR. JOHN BURI (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Occasionally when you attempt to set limits or you attempt to break off a
relationship with a controlling individual, the person can actually
become a stalker.
ARGUING WOMAN - ...please don't write to me. We're over.
ARGUING WOMAN - Sorry. Bye.
ANGLE ON FEMALE LEAVING
ARGUING MAN - Excuse me? Lou! Lou, come back.
DR. JOHN BURI
Realize that you deserve respect, don't let someone treat you
disrespectfully. Don't lose your individuality, cause there is only one
you.